<--Return to Blog Index

It's done. Well, started. I submitted my official two weeks notice to both of my current SF jobs.

I had written an unpublished post a few days ago about some of the reasons I won't miss one of these jobs, mostly having to do with a boss.

But it's complicated. She can and has heaped praise on me, which I know is little more than lip service, because she can turn right around and be petty and accusatory.

Anyway, I don't want to go down that rabbit hole again. I've got heaps of screen-capped texts and photos I could share, but instead, I wanted to work out why I'm afraid.

Because soon after I submitted my notice, she responded with basically a plead to stay- that I knew the biz so well, and what could she offer me to stay on?

And I suddenly felt conflicted, and scared.

I guess because it was real now? And I had assumed maybe that she'd be cold about it as usual, which would have made leaving easier.

But now suddenly I had an "out". Had I, am I, making a mistake? Arrangements have already been made, groundwork laid, deposits paid. But theoretically, they could be cancelled- it would all be made back up in about another paycheck.

And what of all those future paychecks? It's a scary world out there at the best of times, and these are not the best of times. When will the next paying gig come along?

I've done this a couple of times now in the last two decades. Left to travel, left to work on my failed startup- both times I ended up back in SF, working the same jobs, sometimes worse off in some ways than before I left.

Hindsight may be 20/20, but it's also easy to fall into the trap of romanticizing the past jobs I left. Whatever the eventual outcome was, at the time I had good reasons for moving on.

Analyzing my feelings closer, I don't think I'm scared that I'm making a mistake. The situation here- at this job, in this city, this country, is untenable. It has been sixteen years. It's time for me to move on.

I'm just scared of Change. The Unknown. What will I do when the money runs out? That's what being raised in a bottom tier of the System does to you. If you're not a cog in the machine making other people rich what value do you have?

It's easy to just mentally check out and drift from paycheck to paycheck, month after month, year after year. But what do I have to show for it- a few more wrinkles, a few more pounds?

It's only in the past few years, mainly after the 2016 election, I got serious about saving and "diversifying my assets". Was just a hunch that the shit would eventually hit the fan.

And here we are. If I was still living paycheck to paycheck like most Americans when 2020 hit, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably be lost to despair, which might explain a lot of what's happening out there right now.

So, right now- I have a plan, and I'm as prepared as I'll ever be. Time to take that blind leap, once again, and just accept that I won't know where I'll land. It's scary, but at least I'm starting to feel something again.

Now that I think about it, not all my past leaps were failures. I came to SF not knowing anyone and only had a few hundred dollars in my pocket. I spent the first few days living at the airport before finding a place to live, a job, two jobs, scrimping and clawing my way from one meal to the next.

Eventually making it to here, to today. In-between there were some close calls, found love (and lost it), had a few adventures, ate some great food, got new scars, met some cool people, and maybe even made some lifelong friends. There were a lot of mistakes, and the occasional triumph or two.

I had a pretty good life here, when all is said and done. And sometimes I forget that it all started with a leap into the unknown, moving three thousand miles away from any safety net.

I should keep that in mind more when I start feeling afraid.

   Previous  Blog    Next