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"I can't read you."

That's what my coffee house boss told me right after admonishing me for my not being cheery enough to customers, and confessing that my coworkers had complained to him about being scheduled to work the same shift as me.

This was back in 2013, but it was already the same old story. Recently unearthed my blog entry from May 2003:

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The other night at work I was in the breakroom, planning out my budget for the next week.  I had my headphones on but I turned the music off to save the battery.

Assuming I couldn't hear them, some of my coworkers began gossiping about me. Stupid things that mainly centered around insulting my intelligence.

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Discovering I was on the spectrum a few years back made a lot of my life make more sense, though understanding may bring some perspective, but not necessarily change.

I tend to be "quiet" and keep to myself, which I've discovered tends to creep people out. Makes sense, since we're supposed to be social animals. That boss summed it up pretty succinctly: I can't read you. And contrary to romance novels, most people don't like mysteries.

I also discovered that my conscious has to be seriously altered to reach a baseline of sociability. That same coffee boss also later gave me an award for my 'Notable Improvement! :D' after I spent a shift majorly sleep deprived and on a euphoria enhancing supplement.

The irony wasn't lost on me and shortly thereafter I basically told the Boss to shove it and quit.

In short, I find most human interactions difficult unless I'm fucked up. But being drunk or mood altered all the time also wears on people. And probably my health.

Lately I've stopped caring as much, and have mostly stopped hanging out with people and gave up on dating- which left me fairly well prepared for this year, ha. Timing is everything.

But as I continue forward through life, trying to improve and be better, and also realize that there wasn't much self-improvement between 2003 and 2013, and from 2013 to today- is there really much hope for me in say 2033?

Maybe. I'd like to think so anyway, but I probably have to lean more towards accepting myself than expecting to be more "likeable". I mean, I still don't even really know what that means.

And that's assuming I/we even make it to the next decade :D

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